Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
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Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment