(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
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I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
channeling her this year
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble