Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
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Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Meth is short for Elizameth.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.