Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
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Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them