When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
what the hell pray for carter everyone
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
what day is it?
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Ape together strong
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”