Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
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Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance