My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
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Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.