me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
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I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
#Caturday
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.