Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
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Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer