In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
You Might Also Like
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.