Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
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Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
catch me on valentine’s day like
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*