When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
You Might Also Like
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?