God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
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It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!