Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
You Might Also Like
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.