I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
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I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?