*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
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I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.