No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
This pepper has seen some shit
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Aight bet
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.