What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
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This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus