I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
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mom had nothing to worry about
definitely did not do anything wrong
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.