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Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
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I can fix him.
“I’m helping” 😅
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.