I have literally never stopped thinking about this
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The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
jesus, what did this guy do
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.