While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
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Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
girls literally only want one thing..
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”