911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
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Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
*limbos under the caution tape
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
what?
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.