My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
You Might Also Like
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
When ur friends with white people
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I have never heard an armadillo before.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.