Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
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Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”