It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
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mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
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I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting