i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
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A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad: