Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
You Might Also Like
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?