My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
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I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”