Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
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I have a black belt in leather
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Note to self: I am a note
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’