I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
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If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Always 🥴
drew a comic about my origin story
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.