Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
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Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.