So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
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Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
“HELP WITH CAT”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*