“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
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If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Salad is the decaf of food.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT