13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
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I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
What the hell happened here.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.