It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
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Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad