Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
You Might Also Like
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
this is the greatest thing ever
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Single and childfree like Jesus
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
My dog learned how to text