I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
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Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Employees must applaud the planets.