Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
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Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Always 🥴
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water