Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
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Holy crap this is wonderful
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Tuesday
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes