All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
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I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
favorite tropes as memes
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
I hate when that happens.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
#gardening
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.