Noted.
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Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Mission: Impossible
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
why isn’t he texting back
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)