I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
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Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?