passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
You Might Also Like
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
can’t catch a break
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing