Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
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The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.