My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
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“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth