I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
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Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.