(Gaming support cat.)
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Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.