A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
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My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,