Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
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Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
And then there were 4
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
My first child will be named New Folder.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.